Well, sorry everyone. I never did blog really about my trip.... :P It was really great though! Really life changing! Well, this semester, I was ready for change, ready for new people, ready for life to begin again as this new, care-free Tauni... Then all these things happen! How is it that no one else has a hard day when they want to cry and curl up in bed and not talk to anyone?? I just need that best friend. The one that could make me feel better, no matter the circumstance, no matter who's looking, no matter what I want, or how hard I push them away, they would just pull me closer until I knew they were there to stay. I know. It isn't exactly the peachy and good stuff I post on here, but I don't know how I am supposed to still smile and love my life when nothing seems like the end of the world. When will I know when my friends are really there? How do I know that they aren't just friends with me because they like the people I live with, because they need some distraction until another person comes along? I can't. I know, I need to be living as if my life is intended to be enjoyed and not give a hoot in the world. I need to be showing people how great it is to be me! That sounds cocky, but for realsies, my life is so blessed, and maybe that is something I need to realize. That I don't need these "fake" friends, that I don't need a man, that I just need to be searching for what good I can do, what service I can perform for those around me! I just want a friend. THEE friend that I can spend the rest of forever with, with a shoulder to cry on, the one that will make me laugh when I want to cry, the one that will hold my hand when I want to be alone. Now, I am not talking about my eternal companion, I want that in my life, eventually, but right now, I need to figure out myself and figure out what exactly it is that truly makes me happy!
How can I be better?
I have been going to the gym every morning at 6 am with my roommate Megan Sherwood and it truly makes me feel amazing and great! I just need to keep working on myself physically so that I can be the best person I can be. I miss my grandparents and I miss my missionaries. The truth is, I never was as great of friends with Hans and Tanner as I put off. I wish I was. I have changed so much in the last year, but at the same time, I feel exactly the same. How can a person feel so different but feel exactly the same at the same time!? I have decided that I really want to go on a mission and that I just want to serve everyone around me! I am so ready to just get out and serve! That and missing these boys that are on their missions is so hard for me! I can't even think anymore of what I want or what I am just wanting to have. I thought this semester, I was supposed to stay up here for some unknown reason. I feel like I keep finding reasons, then they fall through and don't work out. How is it possible to feel so okay with everything and it not working out? It doesn't make sense to me. I feel like I am a pretty cool and chill chick. Yeah, I have my problems, but who doesn't. I mean, my life is really great! I have gained so many new friends this semester and I know that I am supposed to be here, even for my friends that I have already had. Then I think of the people I associated with last semester, and I think of how unhappy I was. Yeah, I mean, I had legitimate reason to be sad and to be upset about things, it tends to happen when your heart breaks and then you are left to try to figure out what you could have done differently. I always wonder with "What if's" but when it comes down to it, they are so pointless and don't do anything. How can I be so screwed up?! I know that most girls do those sort of things, ya know, think tons, blame themselves, and try to fix it, but I don't want to be one of those girls. I want to be Tauni! I want to be the girl that people are like, "Dang! She's really cool! I have never met someone like her before!" and leave that impression of a great spirit and kindness that I wish I would feel from my friends. It's hard to think that I can't help everyone and I can't be liked by everyone, and that I can't change everyone... I can only help me, change me, like me! What else can I do?! I have to like myself first, I have to help myself through these hurtles of mine, I need to change what I don't like and LIKE MYSELF! I have a pretty good self-esteem but I tend to waiver a bit when I think of all the rejections I have gotten, all of the friends I have lost, the lack of ANY kind of GOOD relationships worth mentioning with boys. I am honestly just sick of it all and I want change, I want new and fresh! I thought this semester was too good to be true with so great roommates and neighbors and being asked on so many dates and gaining so many new friends. It is.... a blessing that I am still here. I am still trying to figure out why in the crap I am still here and I wish I knew so I could look forward to something. Sometimes things are hard but we just have to know that something GREAT is around the corner! Well, this is the LONGEST corner of my life, but I will be patient and keep on waiting! I don't know what else I can do!
What I plan to do?
I feel impressed to just love everyone no matter what and just show them that they matter, that they is important :) I can't wait any more to serve a mission for the Lord, but for now, I will serve in the ways we are commanded to serve, which is to love one another and Jesus loves us! :) I am going to give strangers a smile no matter how happy or sad I may be! I am going to beat this and I am going to enjoy life! I just need to change this frown upsidedown, wipe these tears away, and LIVE to the FULLEST! And just show that I care to everyone! :)
Well everyone! It is my bedtime and I wish you all the best of the best on whate'er you are doing! Love you all!
<3
Tauni Ackerman
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