Mmmm. Well, first off I should apologize for not writing for a while! I've had to divert to my journal for a few weeks because of some really trying things I have gone through and I didn't thing you all really wanted to hear me ramble on and on. I think that I am happy. :) But, how do you get to the point of knowing?? I was really thinking yesterday! A couple Sunday's ago was Fathers' Day, I called my Papa and my dad! :) I really liked talking to my Papa for one. We talked about how I have really been through a lot as a teenager. My parents were rough on me, but that is common among the oldest child. I learned a lot from being the oldest and I felt like I had to grow up pretty fast but its okay! I wouldn't be the person I am without all the things I went through. I then talked to my Dad for some time. We talked about a lot of things and he talked for a while then, I felt impressed to talk to him about his marriage and how it has affected me. Wow! That was extremely hard to put all my feelings out on a limb, but I feel like he has progressed since I talked to him. About a week ago, I had a really long conversation with my mom and there were a lot of tears from both of us. We are both just struggling with things that it is really hard to talk to anyone about it. But I feel like she is becoming my best friend more and more every day! We of course have our rough patches but it is a TON better than what it used to be!
I have had listened to many songs in the past few days that have just made me kinda teary-eyed. I have just felt so alone and I just don't know how to conquer it! But, in the last few days I have seen the light! Reading some books for my trip has really helped me! I even think I am going to invest in the book called, "Forgiving Myself." I heard it is really great! and i think it would help me a lot on how to get through all this!
It's hard to think that I felt so happy one day, then another day I feel lonely and sad. I have been trying to do the things my bishop has suggested. Going to the temple, avoiding situations that will allow me to fall into old habits, and only associating with people that make me happy and to help myself feel better. I feel silly that all of these events this semester is affecting me so much. I know that everyone said that I am doing fairly well for everything that I am going through, I swear though, its just never ending. I am continually trying to find things to do to stay active and upbeat but I still feel that wrenching feeling in my heart. I am slowly becoming a fake happy to everyone else. How in the world are you supposed to be happy when you feel so much pain, so much rejection, so much stress?? I have always lived my life so that I can laugh and be happy! I have been trying to make myself feel and look better! I just barely got back from the temple and it was SOOOO great! :) It refreshened me. I read like 6 chapters in the Book of Mormon and it made me feel really great! Yet, as I walked away, I felt the spirit so strong but I still couldn't shake the feeling.... Why does that happen? I keep praying to have peace and to know that I am going to be okay and I will get better, but how do I possibly know that? I have lived 19 years of life and I still just don't know what to do to make me truly happy.
The Fourth of July was super fun and great! :) I spent most of it in the sunshine reading my book! :) It was great fun! I just love the fourth of July! :) I think the fireworks and just the reason of celebrating is my favoritest part! The Fireworks are just sooooooo beautiful! Loud, but Beautiful!!! :)
Then yesterday, it rained! It was the first real smile I have really had all day! I just love the rain! It for some reason makes me feel so happy! I just love to go out and stand in it and flash my smile to the sky, even twirl around in it a little bit! :) Man! I just can't fathom my life without rain. Does that sound silly??? PPSssshhhaaaawww! I don't care :P Haha! :) If I can help it, I just might be a hopeless romantic, but I really REALLY want my first kiss in the rain! :) I think it is just so cute! And I honestly have NEVER had something that makes me happier then the rain! That and the temple, and...... okay.... there are a lot of things. My Bishop encouraged me to list things that make me happy! Maybe I'll share some of those with you!
Now don't snicker :) Just enjoy! :) (Haha, did that have a kinda cheesey turnaround to Snickers??? ;) Mayyybeee :D )
- Rain (Duh!)
- The Temple
- The Gospel
- Prayer
- The Scriptures
- Sunrises/ Sunsets
- The Stars
- Walks
- Music
- Playing the piano
- Baking
- Hanging out with my friends
- Reading
- Hiking
- Biking
- going on joy rides
- serving
- Outdoor things (swimming, picnics, exploring, four-wheeling, snowmobiling..Etc.)
- seeing and hanging out with family
- Letters
- cuddling
- just spending time with people I love
- learning about new things
- Sharing what I know, testimony
- Making other people smile :) :)
- Being funny and silly at times
- watching old movies
- Running
- listening and being a friend
:) I think that is about enough of that! Haha! Man! I just love, love, LOVE being nice and finding ways to help everyone around me feel happy and enjoy their lives! :) I just get this sensational thrill from serving and loving people! :) Man! Yesterday, I went for a run in the rain! I went on listening to my uplifting music with the biggest grin on my face! I even had a guy say, "Well, aren't you just happy to exercise!" Hehe, it made me giggle! :) Yesterday and this last weekend, I felt myself pulling out of the sadness and finally just being happy again! :) It feels so great, just to smile at life and know that God has a plan for me. Even if I don't really know what it is yet, I know I am doing my part to be able to know when it comes along! I feel myself becoming stronger, happier, braver, healthier, more loving and caring, more positive and optimistic! I just can't even imagine myself in a year from now, if I keep going at this rate! :) I just might need to eat some ice cream now and then to keep me from being twinkled ;) haha! Just kidding! But, really, I feel like I am improving so much, and my testimony is growing SOOO much! I just have this sense of meaning and purpose that I have never felt before and I love it! :) I hope that I can change people's life for the better one person at a time! :)
I am going to continue to prepare for whatever the Lord has prepared for me! :) I have just realized that I just need to take a breather and take time for the important things.
Take time to work, with love, it is the assurance of success, take time for joyous play, it is the secret to renewing youth, take time to think creatively, it is the foundation of wisdom.
Take time to love your fellow men, it is the gateway to heaven, take time each day for silence, It is the storehouse of God, take time to worship God, it is the highway to peace! :) Wish me luck! Kayla and I have talks to give on Sunday! AWWWWWWWWWWMMAAANNNNNN! :P haha!!! I dunno about Kayla, but I NEED it! ;) haha! :) Yaya! :) Well, Peace out!
Tauni Ackerman
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